Self-Worth Through Struggle
One of the great mistakes we have made in this world is to prevent our kids from struggling toward something important. Doing so sends the wrong message to our kids. Dr. Carol Dweck, in her research on mindset, explained that stepping in and solving a problem for our kids to prevent them from struggling is the equivalent of telling them we don’t believe they are capable. The first time I read that, my kids were still young. It hit me pretty hard to realize that I could be causing a lack of resilience in my kids by trying to make their lives better (the actual goal was easier) than my life.
When I was in Junior High, I had trouble understanding the application of history as well as memorizing the timelines required for putting together a paper that was about to be due. I remember one particular evening when I was tired and frustrated, I went to my dad to ask him to help me. After all, he loved history and was very good at it. He listened to what my problem was, then told me to work on it for two hours. If I still couldn’t figure it out after two hours, he said he would help. I mulled the problem over, looked at it from a couple of angles, and then figured it out in about 30 minutes. The lesson he was teaching me had nothing to do with history. He didn’t delay the help because he wanted to wait until later in the evening. He delayed the help to give me time to struggle toward the end goal.
The one common thread of every great success is the ability to keep addressing a problem until it is solved. The Self-Worth Theory posits that our acceptance of self is rooted in effort and sacrifice. Positive Psychology (https://positivepsychology.com/self-worth/) describes the need for us to struggle to overcome an obstacle to believe we deserve victory. When things are handed to us without struggle, we know they weren’t earned. This causes us to rely more heavily on the provider while believing less in our own ability. Knowing you are equipped to address and overcome struggles builds your self-esteem, which boosts your mental health, your self-worth, and your relationships with others.
Dr. Dweck goes on to say that when a young person faces a struggle, the proper way to praise them is to praise the effort applied in resolving it. For example, when a kid struggles with a subject, works hard to achieve success, and moves forward, we praise the fact that they worked hard to advance. We don’t praise the advancement itself. She describes the idea that we will condition either a growth mindset or a fixed mindset in our kids based on how we handle affirmation and confrontation. “You worked really hard to get your grade up from a C to a B. I’m proud of the work you put in.” This is an affirmation that helps create a growth mindset. The growth mindset believes things like, “I have learned before so I know I can learn again and overcome this.” That goes a long way in building the resilience of the child, preparing them to face much larger challenges as an adult.
If you were building the perfect human, you would want them to be strong both mentally and physically. This prepares them to handle whatever life throws at them. To be strong physically requires that we struggle against weights, hills, weather, etc. We have to exert ourselves, tearing down muscles to be rebuilt into stronger versions of ourselves. To be strong mentally and emotionally, we have to struggle against setbacks, rejection, failure, and more. To struggle in these situations, we discover that part of ourselves that gets back up when we are knocked down. We won’t believe in ourselves if someone steps in and solves the problem for us every time we start to struggle. Instead, we will believe we are incapable and will require saving anytime there is a struggle. We will likely learn that we shouldn’t struggle and that others should make sure we don’t. If that lesson is learned, the victim mentality emerges.
The brain can be seen as a muscle to be developed. The aMCC (Anterior Midcingulate Cortex) is connected to willpower, resilience, and belief in self. When you exercise a muscle, you develop its capacity to handle more. The aMCC is simply a muscle that needs to be flexed every day in the quest for greater resilience. The way to do this is to identify something worthwhile, but also challenging, that you can do daily. If you don’t like to exercise, choose to exercise anyway just to prove to yourself that you can push past this struggle and achieve whatever you desire. If you struggle to sit a read things that make you a better person, leader, parent, etc., then choose to read for 30 minutes a day to prove you can do it. Whatever worthy cause you come up with that you struggle with, face it daily until you love facing it. Then, pick a bigger challenge and hit it head-on as well.
The life you want for yourself and your family is on the other side of the struggle to get there. What can you do today that is challenging, but will move your life forward? You’ve got this!
Jody N Holland, M.S. Psychology
